Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
