took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize