He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
