how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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