So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
