Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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