the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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