My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
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He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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