covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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