So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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