I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
