1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
