i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
