There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
