i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
