I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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