used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
