can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
