My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
