so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
