apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
