Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
