did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
