This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You ruined the universe
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
