Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
