so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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