he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
