Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
