dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize