Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
