My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
