the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
