Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
