She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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