He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My bed smells like the plague
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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