my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Your dad touched me again.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
