I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I think I sprained my soul last night
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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