This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
