I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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