Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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