Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
