It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
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I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
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Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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