i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
