she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
