If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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