A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
