I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
