That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
