Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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