she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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