I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
