i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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