Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
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Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
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I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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