Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
