Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
