The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
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i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
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I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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