I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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