He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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