Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
