She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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