I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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