At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
